Voyage to Nowhere
by Mnemosyne's Elegy
Summary: Natsu is leaving. Igneel is dead, and Natsu needs to run and grieve and get stronger. It doesn't matter where he's going, as long as it's not here. But in his race to escape, he might be leaving something important behind. He can run away, or he can go back for a friend.


Natsu dropped to his knees, gritty rock scraping his skin and red blurring across his vision through the sheen of tears.

"No," he mumbled. His breath hitched in his throat and his body threatened to shake itself apart. "You can't leave just as soon as I finally find you! I have so much to tell you. I–I–"

Igneel didn't move, and Natsu fell apart. He curled over on himself and ugly sobs ripped their way out of his chest. He was the happy one, the resilient one, the one who took each hit the world threw at him and bounced right back to his feet with a smile, but this was the thing that would finally break him.

He had always—_always_—believed that he would find Igneel eventually, even when everyone else thought it was little more than a myth or was impossible after all that time even if it _was _true. But Natsu had believed. He had _known_. He had known that Igneel was still out there somewhere, that he could find him if he just searched hard enough, that they'd be reunited and swap stories of their adventures and be a family again.

Well, he'd found Igneel, alright. But Igneel was dead. Igneel was dead, and they weren't going to be a happy family again after all. Natsu hadn't gotten the chance to say anything he had wanted to say over all these years. He hadn't even had the chance to say goodbye. Igneel had been _right there_, and in the end it didn't matter because Natsu didn't get to do anything at all.

Igneel was gone.

Gone for good this time. Natsu couldn't just keep searching and going on journeys and having faith that he'd find his father. It was over. After all these years of searching, he was cut adrift without his purpose. What was he supposed to believe in now?

"I'm sorry," Happy mumbled, nosing his way under Natsu's arm to curl in his lap. He sniffled loudly, and Natsu hugged him close.

Happy was still here, and Natsu clutched him like a lifeline. It didn't make him hurt any less, but at least he wasn't alone.

Happy mumbled a few comforting words muffled by tears, but then gave up and just cried quietly in a ball in Natsu's lap. That was okay. There wasn't a whole lot that could bring Natsu real comfort right now, and it was enough just to have his friend there.

Despite his own sobbing and sniffling clogging his ears, Natsu's hearing was as sharp as ever and he heard the footsteps when they approached. Unwrapping himself from around Happy, he swiped a hand across his eyes and twisted around.

Gray was walking over with slow steps, hands jammed into his pockets and eyes grim as he surveyed the dead dragon sprawled across the ground. Natsu pulled himself out of his misery long enough to give his friend a once-over and make sure there were no obvious consequences of Memento Mori that he had missed, but Gray seemed more exhausted and in pain than in any genuine distress.

Natsu dismissed him and turned back. Seeing Igneel's body again, crimson scales dull and great chest unmoving, made the tears well up once more, but he held them back valiantly now that his rival had entered the scene. He hoped that Gray hadn't been there very long.

Gray's footsteps slowed further and then stopped altogether beside Natsu. He didn't move or speak for what felt like an eternity, but then dropped a hand onto Natsu's shoulder.

"I'm sorry," he said simply, and Natsu's lips trembled.

Gray lowered himself to the ground stiffly with a soft hiss of pain to mark the toll his injuries had taken on him. Natsu darted a glance sideways to see that he had settled himself on the ground cross-legged and was still staring at Igneel's body. The dragon slayer looked away and said nothing, while Happy shifted in his lap and rubbed at his eyes with his paws.

"You were right," Gray added. "You did find him after all. And I'm…glad for that. It's not fair that it turned out like this, but at least you got to see him one more time instead of never knowing what happened to him, right? That has to count for something, that you got to meet again."

And now Gray was being the overly positive one, trying to kickstart Natsu's natural optimism. Natsu didn't think it was going to work, but he appreciated the effort.

"But I-I couldn't even–" he mumbled. "I didn't even–"

Happy snuggled closer for comfort, and Natsu tangled his fingers in the Exceed's fur.

Gray sighed. "Even if you didn't get to say all the things you wanted to… He was with you the whole time, right? Inside you or whatever? So…he would have already known, I think. I think he saw everything you've done over the years and knew what you wanted to tell him. And if he saw everything, I know he was really, really proud of you."

A strangled sob worked its way up Natsu's throat and he curled over on himself again, shaking with the effort of not totally breaking down once more. It was ridiculous how Gray—Gray, who was possibly even worse with words and emotional stuff than Natsu—managed to waltz on in and say exactly the right thing to break him.

"You were right," Gray said again. "He seemed pretty badass. I see where you got it from."

Natsu coughed out a wet laugh. "He was the _most _badass dragon."

Gray hummed in agreement and draped one arm over Natsu's shoulders. Natsu stiffened at the unexpected contact, but then leaned into him. Why not? He was already crying his heart out in front of the person he least wanted to show weakness to. It wasn't like he could look any _more _pathetic.

Gray and Happy stayed quiet while Natsu worked at getting himself back under control. He pointedly kept his gaze away from Igneel's body when he disentangled himself from his friends and stood unsteadily. Happy flew up to perch on his shoulder, while Gray stayed seated and watched him with hooded eyes.

"I should go," Natsu said roughly, looking away.

There was a pause before Gray said, "You're leaving, aren't you?"

If Natsu wasn't so heartbroken, he might have smiled. Gray knew him too well.

"Yeah, probably."

"Wait, we are?" Happy asked, fluttering his wings in distress. "Where are we going?"

"I…don't know. It's not like we can go looking for Igneel anymore." Natsu pursed his lips and thought it over. His adventures were always with his friends or off searching for his missing father. Neither was currently an option, so right now it looked like it was going to be a journey to nowhere. "But we're leaving."

Happy opened his mouth to protest but closed it again, perhaps thinking better of it.

"I'll tell Lucy and the others that you left," Gray said, sounding tired and resigned. "Just make sure you come back."

"Of course we will." Sooner or later, their grand journey to nowhere would circle back to the guild just like it always did.

"Good luck."

"Yeah." Natsu trudged off, but paused and glanced back one last time. "Thanks, Gray."

Gray hummed noncommittally and kept his eyes fixed straight ahead instead of looking back. Natsu sighed and headed off.

He had to _go_. It didn't matter where he was going, as long as he was going somewhere. It didn't matter if he was going nowhere, as long as it wasn't here. Not here, where Igneel was dead and the heartbreak was thick and ugly. If he couldn't outrun the pain, he could at least try.

"We're really leaving?" Happy asked in a small voice as they wove through the battle-torn terrain.

"I am," Natsu said. "I have to. But if you want… If you want, you can stay here."

Happy swung his head from side to side. "I'll come with you."

"Thanks, buddy."

Happy might not want to leave the guild, but he would follow Natsu anywhere. Natsu felt a little bad taking advantage of that loyalty, but he could use Happy's company.

They lapsed into silence, and Natsu kept a sharp eye out. When he saw anyone, especially anyone from the guild, he did his best to stay out of sight. He didn't want to talk to anyone. He didn't want to tell them that he was leaving and explain why. And if some of them happened to have seen what happened to Igneel, he didn't want to talk about that either. Normally he loved hanging around his friends, but right now he just wanted to escape.

Even from Lucy.

He grimaced and ducked back behind a crumbling building when he spotted Lucy in the ruins, trying to calm down a distraught Juvia.

"Juvia," she said, flapping her hands in a calming gesture, "seriously, what–?"

"Juvia has to find Gray-sama!" Juvia wailed, her voice thick with tears. "She needs to make sure he's okay."

"I'm sure Gray is fine," Lucy reassured her.

"Juvia needs to apologize for killing Gray-sama's father!"

Natsu froze and exchanged a wide-eyed look with Happy, who looked equally stunned.

"What are you talking about?" Lucy asked, confused and obviously worried that the water mage was cracking. "Gray's parents are–"

"Juvia killed the necromancer! And now Gray-sama's father is gone again, and she needs to make sure he's okay."

"What does she mean?" Happy whispered.

"Oh, shit," Natsu mumbled. "That guy who smelled like Gray…"

He should have _known_. That guy had smelled like Gray, had looked a bit like Gray, and had obviously known Gray. He had specifically targeted Gray and they'd disappeared together, and then Gray had shown up with a new magic to help fight Mard Geer. He'd even said something about his father, which Natsu had filed away for later consideration. He'd had a harder, darker, colder look to his eyes when he'd reappeared.

It had been so obvious that something had happened, but Igneel's death had blocked out everything else. Natsu had been so caught up in his grief that he hadn't stopped to think if any of his other friends were hurt. Not even Gray, who had stood up to Memento Mori to protect Natsu and done his best to bring him some comfort despite his own grief.

"Gray…" Happy looked back the way they had come, eyes big and worried and sad. "Do you think he's okay?"

Natsu…didn't know. He tried to think back and remember if Gray had seemed especially upset or broken, but they had both been avoiding looking at each other so it was impossible to tell. But knowing how much Gray was already haunted by the deaths of his parents and Ur, it was a safe bet.

Natsu wanted to leave. He wanted to run to the ends of the earth until he found something to pull all his broken pieces back together and could return.

But could he justify leaving without at least checking in on his friend? After Gray had saved him from Memento Mori and sat with him while he was breaking? It seemed like Gray had lost his father again just like Natsu had, however strange and impossible that seemed, and that was something he couldn't overlook.

"Maybe we should go back," he said, subdued.

"Really?" Happy asked, perking up.

"We should at least make sure he's okay, right?"

"Right," Happy agreed. Relief shone bright in his eyes as they left the girls behind and turned back the way they had come.

Natsu paid attention in case Gray had moved since they'd left, but he was sitting in exactly the same spot where they'd left him. He had managed to fold himself over in half, shoulders hunched and head bowed.

Natsu and Happy exchanged a look. It wasn't looking good.

Natsu cleared his throat. "Ice block."

Gray startled and unfolded himself to whip around. His eyes were swimming with tears, but he swiped the back of his hand across them almost casually. He was a lot better than Natsu at holding himself together now. Only the tension in his shoulders gave away how much he was struggling.

"I thought you already left," he said in a rough voice.

"Yeah, that was the plan."

Happy launched himself forward and slammed into Gray's chest hard enough to send him rocking back. "I'm sorry about your father!" he wailed.

Gray stilled, and then resignation crept into his eyes like clouds before a rainstorm. "…You heard, then."

"Juvia said there was a necromancer and– Are you okay, Gray?"

"I'm fine." Gray patted Happy on the head and looked away. "You guys should go."

Natsu looked between Gray and Happy and Igneel's shredded body behind them.

"Do you…want to come with us?"

Gray started in surprise and blinked back in consternation. "What?"

Natsu frowned at the ground. "Do you want to come?"

He wasn't sure if he'd regret the offer, but… But he and Gray were bound together by this, and now it felt wrong to leave him behind. And…maybe Natsu wanted him to stick around.

"Right now?" Gray asked stupidly.

"Yeah."

He was silent for a long time, and Natsu found himself holding his breath. He figured Gray would say no, but he suddenly realized that he wished he wouldn't.

"Only if I can tell the others that I'm leaving first," Gray said finally.

Natsu let out a sigh of relief. "Sure. Whatever you want."

He didn't want to deal with all the explanations and goodbyes, but he'd stick around for a few extra minutes if Gray wanted to go that route.

"Do you actually have a plan?" Gray asked doubtfully. "It sounds like you're just running away."

"I…don't know." Natsu looked down at his hands. "I don't know where I'm going. I don't know what I'm looking for now that Igneel's… But…" His eyes hardened. "I'm going to get stronger so that this never happens again. So that I can pay Acnologia back for what he did. So that I can make sure I don't lose any more of my family the same way.

"Maybe I'm running away, but the other option is to stay here with all of this."

Gray's grip tightened on Happy and his lips trembled. "Fuck that," he rasped, his eyes clouding over with tears. "Let's run."

Natsu walked over and reached down a hand. Gray grasped it tight and Natsu dragged him to his feet.

And maybe they were going on a grand voyage to nowhere, but they were doing it together.

* * *

**emmahoshi: Lol there was no scene in canon, really. Natsu cries over Igneel for like seven seconds and then it cuts to other stuff and we don't even see Natsu again before he runs off on his own with Happy and Lucy goes running through the streets crying with the note he left behind. But honestly, since Natsu and Gray both lost their dads (again) during the arc, I really wanted to see some kind of bonding moment. Yeah, for some reason male friendships where the charries ever talk to each other about serious things or show emotions or rely on each other is too "gay". I mean, crybaby characters can get kinda annoying too, but I'd like to see them have at least a little emotion lol Ha ha, Natsu's mythical long-term memory.**


End file.
